Total Recall (2012)

Starring

Colin Farrell as Doug Quaid
Jessica Biel as Melina
Kate Beckinsale as Lori
Bryan Cranston as Cohaagen
Bill Nighy as Matthias


Okay, people behind this piece of shit, up against the wall! How do you get a group of people as talented as THAT *points at the cast list* and produce this steaming pile of dreck?

I'm pretty sure most of you out there have seen the original Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nowadays it's campy and full of AWFUL special effects, but back in the day it was cutting edge, cool, and it's a freaking classic. Why Hollywood felt the need to revisit this story I'll never know.

There's no emotion in this remake, none at all. Colin Farrell is so inspired to play Quaid that he shows the emotional range of Kristen Stewart. The name of Biel's character isn't spoken until about 30 minutes after she's actually introduced. Bryan Cranston tries to bring some of the menace he developed as Walter White on Breaking Bad, but it's sadly wasted here. And Kate Beckinsale is unrecognizable without the skintight leather catsuits from the Underworld movies. I think it should be contractual that she wears one for every movie she's in. Even if that movie is Pride and Prejudice. She attempts to snarl her way through the picture, and she doesn't come across as dangerous, or evil, or anything but trying too hard.

Then there's the "story" itself. Gone are the mutants (with the exception of the triple-breasted whore who ISN'T Eccentrica Gallumbits, much to my dismay) and gone is the whole "Mars" thing. Instead, we get a post-apocalyptic Earth ruined by chemical warfare (WE'RE ORIGINAL! OTHER MOVIES USE NUCLEAR FALLOUT! ORIGINAL! ORIGINAL!) with only two settlements safe for humans: the UFB - United Federation of Britain - and The Colony, aka Australia. The schmoes who live in The Colony are seen as peasants and are forced to do the jobs too dirty for the delicate UFB-types. Every day, Colonists are loaded into a giant metal cylinder and dropped through the Earth's core (stop laughing) where gravity reverses in scenes that are always inexplicably filmed in slow motion (I said stop laughing) before gravity reasserts itself without people's faces being ripped off or other gory thing happening.

Yeah. The screenwriters thought that'd sneak by us and we'd all go HURR DURR, THAT'S POSSIBLE!

Quaid's reawakening into Hauser is pretty much the same as the original movie: he goes to Recall because he's having crazy dreams and BAM they realize he's actually a spy! WIKKID! Shit happens, people die (including another wasted appearance by a known actor, this time John Cho), shit gets blowed up real good, blah blah blah.


I'm not gonna waste more time discussing this garbage than I have to. I can't stand this movie. There was no need to make it. If Hollywood is going to remake 22-year-old movies more often, the least they could do is do these movies justice. Bad Hollywood, bad! No biscuit! Go to your crate!


FINAL REVIEW

Total Recall
1.5 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - TD;DW. Means "too dumb, don't watch".