Science Fiction/Triple Feature

STARRING

Hugh Jackman as Logan/Wolverine
Tao Okamoto as Mariko
Hiroyuki Sanada as Yashida
Svetlana Khodchenkova as Dr Green
Rila Fukushima as Yukio


Let me start this off by saying "Yes, this movie is better than X-Men Origins: Wolverine".

Of course, a similar effect could be achieved by saying this movie is better than having a monkey throw poo at you. Origins was awful. AWFUL. Anyway!

The Wolverine reintroduces us to Logan, aka Professor Pernicious Peabody II Wolverine, as he channels his inner Encino Man in the wilds of Somewhere. Probably Canada. I can tell because there are people wearing plaid, driving trucks, and hanging out in bars. That's what we do in this country, right?

After a Series Of Events, Logan (he makes a point that he's no longer Wolverine) finds himself in Tokyo at the behest of a man named Yashida. Due to his mutant healing factor, Logan is effectively immortal. Any aging or disease is almost immediately eradicated by his immune system (which makes me wonder why he's not filthy rich and Marvel Earth isn't free of disease). During World War II, our hero was a POW in a Japanese camp just outside Nagasaki. When the Fat Man bomb is dropped on that city, Logan saves one of the Japanese guards - Yashida. Seems the old fella is dying and wants to thank his cigar-chompin' Canadian buddy for saving his skin. Oh, and he's also the founder and CEO of one of Japan's most important companies.

Yashida presents Logan with the offer of mortality, stating that his doctor has discovered a way to transfer mutant powers between people. Yashida wants the healing factor for himself, but Logan won't agree. The old man dies that night, causing Stuff To Happen (saving you from spoilers, Dear Reader). Logan ends up saving Yashida's daughter, Mariko, during a kidnapping attempt at the old man's funeral, which is where More Stuff Is Revealed.

Not my best writing, this review, but I hate spoilers. Really, I do.

I was very impressed by this movie, which is to say that my expectations weren't terribly high. The aforementioned X-Men Origins really was That Bad. The movie is rather predictable at times - I mean seriously, once you see one scene with Yashida's doctor you're gonna notice she's kinda evil - and Logan is constantly hallucinating the late Jean Grey (whom he killed to save the world at the end of another forgettable movie, X-Men: The Last Stand). I could do without the hallucinations, really. I didn't think they added much of anything other than Famke Janssen's cleavage to the story.

... wait, that was probably the point.


FINAL REVIEW
The Wolverine
3 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - Worth seeing, but don't pay extra for 3D. More of a character movie like Batman Begins was than a superhero movie, really. Also, cute Japanese girls and  DUTCH CLEAVAGE. :P

STARRING

Denzel Washington as Bobby

Mark Wahlberg as Stig

Edward James Olmos as Papi Greco

Bill Paxton as Earl

GUNS! BANG! FUNNY ONE-LINERS! EVIL ADMIRAL ADAMA! RANDOM BOOBIES! EVIL BILL PAXTON! IT'S GAME OVER, MAN!

FINAL REVIEW

2 Guns

2.5 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - Wait, that review was too long? I did like the movie, despite my VERY simplistic review. See it, but wait for DVD/Netflix. Perfectly Acceptable Buddy Cop Action Movie. PABCAM.

STARRING

Tara Strong as Twilight Sparkle

Andrea Libman as Pinkie Pie & Fluttershy

Cathy Weseluck as Spike

Ashleigh Ball as Rainbow Dash & Applejack

Tabitha St Germain as Rarity & Princess Luna

Rebecca Shoichet as Sunset Shimmer

Oi.

Okay, so I watched this movie after downloading it (YAR HAR FIDDLE DEE DEE) for the wife, who is a Brony. Bronies are fans of the RIDICULOUSLY popular TV show My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, and despite the first syllable, aren't always dudes.

I KNOW. IT CONFUSED THE FUCK OUT OF ME, TOO.
 

This would be the first time I have ever sat down to watch anything to do with MLP:FIM (as it's called by the cool kids), so please forgive me if I mangle names, plot points, and any semblance of macho man-ness you may have thought I possessed.

And if you thought I possessed any macho man-ness, ask me about Sailor Moon.

So the plot of Equestria Girls is this: shortly after having been crowned a princess, the newly-mutated Twilight Sparkle is having a slumber party or some shit at the castle with Princess Serenity Cadence (really? CADENCE? AH DON'T KNOW BUT AH BEEN TOLD/IF I MOCK THIS MOVIE I SLEEP IN THE COLD) and all of her friends, who are apparently called the "Mane Six".

Yup. This show has more puns in it than your average conversation between Gary, Phil, and myself. To wit:

They live in Canterlot. There's show where they go to Mane-hattan. There's a time-travelling stallion named Doctor Whooves.

Still here? You're made of sterner stuff than I.

After the pillow fights (I assume that girl ponies have the same kind of slumber parties girl humans do) the ponies go to bed. Yes, BED. PONIES. IN A BED. Twilight Sparkle bitches to her dragon friend Spike (voiced by Shampoo! Aiya!) that she can't sleep with her new mutation, a pair of wings. Wings with their own mind. My wife used the phrase "wing boner" in my presence.

Somebody shoot me.

After finally falling asleep, some other pony sneaks into TS' room, fucks off with her magic crown (which contains an Essence of the Thunder King or something) and almost makes a clean getaway except she trips over the goddamn dragon whelp WHICH IS ABOUT AS BIG AS A GOLF BALL IN A ROOM THE SIZE OF YOUR HOUSE. Seriously, who does this broad think she is, Kevin Nash?

HI PAUL!

The chase is on! All the ponies wake up SIMULTANEOUSLY (I wonder what else about them is synchronized OH GOD THE MENTAL IMAGES) and chase this Evil Pony - Sunshit Simmer, or something - throughout the POORLY GUARDED CASTLE THAT CONTAINS TWO RULING PRINCESSES AND A SMALL CADRE OF PRINCESSLINGS to a room full of portals.

No, no GLaDOS. I'm not that lucky.

Sleepy Shitter escapes through a portal, taking the Crown of Eternal Stench with her. Through the Power Of Exposition, it is explained that only Bubbles Twilight Sparkle may follow, because of Reasons that don't make sense. See, Princess Celestia (ACTUALLY HER NAME!) says that if all six of the Planeteers go through the portal, it will Cause Problems because they might have duplicates in this other world where Evil Pony Bitch went. The fact that Twilight Sparkle might have a doppelganger in the Other World is OF NO CONCERN TO YOU STOP THINKING SO MUCH.

So it's off through the portal all by herself, whee let's go on a solo adventure OH SHIT THE DRAGON POOP FOLLOWED HER. When they awaken in the Other World, Spike has transformed into a puppy (as you do) and Twilight Sparkle is now a purple teenager.

Yup.

TS ends up finding herself at Canterlot High (which accurately describes the writers, I think) and soon on the wrong side of the school's Most Popular Student (three guesses as to who THAT is, and the first person who says Quinn Fabray gets slapped). She meets up with a girl who looks and sounds suspiciously like her friend Fluttershy, and discovers that THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NAME.  Yes, the denizens of Canterlot High ARE NAMED LIKE THEY'RE ALL PONIES.

So as not to confuse the kids, I get it. Also, it's hard to come up with different names when you're on the good shit like this show's directors.

Twilight Sparkle and Shutterfly team up with the rest of the Inner Senshi to take down the Evil Pony bitch in an all-singing, all-dancing cafeteria Broadway show that justifies my earlier Glee reference. Evil Pony pulls out all the stops, including siccing her own versions of Crabbe and Goyle on our intrepid heroines. Tara Strong ends up getting her crown (more of a tiara, really) back by winning a popularity contest after showing up about a day and a half before the vote, and then they put the final kibosh on Sunset Drive-In with THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP.

This is a recurring theme in the show, I'm told.

Now, I'm pretty sure you think I hated this movie from the verbal beating I just laid on it. Far from it. These are a good portion of the riffs that came to mind as I watched this movie with my wife last night and kept to myself in the interest of brownie points and other things you probably don't want to know about. I do know the source material, and from the bits I've heard over my headset as the wife giggles her way through the three seasons of the show, it's pretty faithful to the source material.

RUN-ON SENTENCES ARE FUN, DAMMIT

 It's full of plot contrivances, Super-Powered Coincidences and authority figures who never show any authority, as well as my biggest question: if putting the crown/tiara/whatever on her head gave Shimmerpants EVIYL DEVIL POWERS, why didn't it do anything AT ALL to Twilight Sparkle? She should have just magicked her way out of it, went "LOL GG" and went home. No POWER OF FRIENDSHIP ending, that's why she didn't do it. It's like she read the script.

FINAL REVIEW

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls

I Don't Want To Sleep On The Couch Tonight snowflakes out of 5

 TL; DR - For fans only.

After many attempts to fix the line breaks in this post, I have given up. Stupid Blogger. YES SOME OF MY PARAGRAPHS ARE A SENTENCE OR A SINGLE WORD LONG STOP TRYING TO BE MY EDITOR

Tower Heist

STARRING

Ben Stiller as Josh Kovacs

Eddie Murphy as Slide

Casey Affleck as Charlie

Alan Alda as Arthur Shaw

Matthew Broderick as Mr Fitzhugh

Téa Leoni as Agent Denham

Gabourey Sidibe as Odessa

As the opening credits rolled on this movie, my eyes kept getting wider. This is a pretty big talent pool, and as we know large casts like this always do well!

... well, not if you're Movie 43. Or New Year's Eve. Still!

Tower Heist is the tale of a guy named Josh Kovacs. Ol' Josh is the building manager of The Tower, an upper-crust condominium in downtown New York. Josh's job is to know everything about everyone who lives in the tower and take care of them, because they're all absurdly rich. In Josh's employ is the hapless Charlie, the concierge, whose wife is eight months pregnant and is also Josh's sister. We're also introduced to Enrique Deveraux (Michael Peña), whose dream it is to move up from the BK (aka Burger King) to the Big Time in customer service. Josh's favourite tenant is the billionaire Arthur Shaw, and it seems his lips are permanently attached to Shaw's butt. Josh and Shaw play online chess, Josh picks up Shaw's dry cleaning, gets his mail... and Alan Alda uses his old Hawkeye Pierce charm to win Josh over.

Then Shaw is arrested for securities fraud. He's apparently penniless, living off the money he stole from The Tower's pension fund after Josh entrusted him with the portfolio. When the doorman tries to commit suicide over the loss of his pension, Josh loses his shit. He takes Charlie and Deveraux up to Shaw's apartment where he's under house arrest, yells at the man, and then proceeds to go all Jack Nicholson on an old Ferrari that used to belong to Steve McQueen. The building ownership (represented by Judd Hirsch) doesn't take too kindly to this and fires all three men.

Desperate, Josh tries to sell Shaw out to the FBI. He ends up having drinks with Agent Denham, who drunkenly tells him that there's twenty million dollars unaccounted for. It's simply gone. With his intimate knowledge of the building, Josh figures the money is being held in a wall that Shaw didn't remove during a major renovation project several years ago. He recruits Deveraux, Charlie, the recently-evicted Mr Fitzhugh, and his criminal neighbour Slide to try and rob Shaw.

I couldn't help but notice how Same-y this movie was. Ben Stiller plays a Ben Stiller character, all intense one minute and completely bungling the next. He's also very obviously wearing mascara in several scenes. Matthew Broderick plays a slightly more confident Leo Bloom, his character from The Producers. Casey Affleck plays an idiot, something he seems to play in every role (with the exception of Gone Baby Gone). Eddie Murphy is Token Black Criminal. Yawn.

Some of the more surprising laughs came from Gabourey Sidibe's character, Odessa. I haven't seen Precious, so I wasn't familiar with her acting chops before this one. It felt like she was holding back for most of the movie. Alan Alda plays Shaw as a smarmy asshole, which is refreshing for me as I know him best as the aforementioned Hawkeye. I will say this for Stiller, though: despite being a Ben Stiller character, I didn't spend the entire movie wanting to punch him like I usually do. I tell you, if you want to make sure I don't see a movie, put Stiller with Nicolas Cage. *shudder*

Despite some interesting twists (and a few shudder moments during the climax... if you have vertigo, prepare to cover your face when you see Deveraux on the roof), this movie is, as I said earlier, Same-y. It's reasonably predictable, and the laughs aren't as frequent as I'd like. Eddie Murphy is completely wasted here, but since he hasn't had a quality movie where he isn't a donkey in about 15 years, it's not like he's got top-drawer scripts being sent his way. Again, much like Pacific Rim, I felt they could have done so much more with the material they had here. There are plot points that feel like they were thrown in because it was convenient for the scriptwriters. I would have liked a bit more time exploring Slide and Odessa's relationship, because it's one of the few times Murphy's character isn't channeling Chris Tucker in Rush Hour. A few loose ends, like the sparks between Josh and Denham, go nowhere and are unresolved by the movie's end. Hasty editing? Possibly. Of course, the answer to my gripes is probably summed up in two words: Brett Ratner. The director. Hey, there's Rush Hour again!


FINAL REVIEW
Tower Heist
2.5 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - An unoffensive movie. You could do worse than watch it, but it'll leave you wanting more.

edit: Apparently, I forgot Eddie Murphy's role in Dream Girls when I was slagging him in this post. My bad.

Pacific Rim

Starring

Idris Elba as Stacker Pentecost

Charlie Hunnam as Raleigh Becket

Rinko Kikuchi as Mako Mori

Charlie Day as Dr Newton Geizler

Ron Perlman as Hannibal Chau

Movie viewed in IMAX 3D on 13 July, 2013

I went into this movie after stellar reviews from friends and critics. I was ready to be absolutely blown away by the sheer power of awesome.

Well, the special effects were above top-drawer. Everything else? Less so.

A bit of "plot" summary: In a refreshing new take on alien invasion, the 250 foot tall invaders - called "Kaiju", a Japanese word meaning "strange creature" - come from a dimensional rift in the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. These kaiju run roughshod over Earth as only giant monsters can, until we decided to fight back by building giant robots called Evangelion Jaegers (German for "hunters") to kill them. And kill them we did! Sure, cities like San Francisco get the everlovin' shit knocked out of them, but WE KILT THEM ALIENS GOOD *hock ptoo*. The robots are piloted by humans who use a neural interface to control the machine's movements, but the sheer size of the machines is too much for a single human brain. Instead, they use teenagers a two-pilot system to share the neural load in a process called "drifting" that links the minds of the pilots. Their thoughts are your thoughts, your memories are their memories... it's all very Vulcan.

In the movie's opening, we are introduced to the pilots of a Jaeger called Gipsy Danger. The pilots, the improbably named Raleigh Becket and his older brother Yancy, are sent out into the ocean off the coast of Alaska to fight a giant monster. Their commanding officer (played by the awesome Idris Elba) orders them to ignore the fate of a 10-man fishing boat in favour of saving the millions of lives this Kaiju will end should it make landfall.

So guess what the Becket boys do?

In the ensuing chaos, the Kaiju rips half of Gipsy Danger's head off and kills Yancy. As Raleigh will repeat almost as often as Spider-Man blathered on about great power and great responsibility, he was still in Yancy's head when he died. He felt all the pain, fear, blah blah blah. Raleigh manages to control Gipsy Danger on his own long enough to get back to land where he's found by a boy and his grandfather. Then TIME PASSES.

It's seven years later. Half-Life 3 still isn't out. Becket is still in Alaska, helping to build "the Wall of Life", a waste of fictional taxpayers' fictional money that is supposed to stop a Kaiju dead in its tracks. Stacker shows up and uses his Powers of Motivational Speech to convince the PTSD poster boy Becket to rejoin the fight, which was about as difficult as convincing me to eat bacon.

After some more inspiring orchestral music, Our Heroes arrive at The Hall of Justice, or something. The UN (with a Canadian representative! He even gets a line! WOO WE'VE BEEN VALIDATED) has decided that the effective way to kill the Kaiju is bad because sometimes stuff gets wrecked, so they're gonna go with the wall thing (SPOILER: The walls don't work). Stacker ain't got time for that, so The Hall of Justice is now "the resistance" and they've got a few Jaeger allies from around the world who, aside from Grizzled Australian Veteran and His Asshole Son, barely get any lines.

As we're being introduced to the mush-mouthed Aussies (seriously, could ANYONE figure out what they were saying?), we're also introduced to a cute little Japanese character named Mako Mori. She's our token Neon Genesis Evangelion tribute. Take a look at her and tell me she doesn't look familiar...

Google "Rei Ayanami" if you don't get it. Just make sure Safe Search is on.

Turns out "Miss Mori's" family got offed by a Kaiju and she Wants Revenge. Stacker ain't got time for that either, and is Dead Set Against letting Mako co-pilot the rebuilt Gipsy Danger with Becket until Becket says "dude, seriously". Then it's on like Donkey Kong until both Becket and Mako drift and have flashbacks to their traumatic backstories. This is when we find out that Stacker had time to adopt the young Mako, and... Jesus, is this REALLY the plot?

I'm really struggling to figure out what was good about this movie other than the special effects. LucasFilm's Industrial Light & Magic outdid themselves, that's for certain. The only effects complaint I have is that it's obvious the 3D was tacked on at the end, because there's no obvious scenes that utilized it. The 3D phenomenon that was started by Avatar has turned into a way for studios to make an extra $3 on tickets and stymie people with video cameras in the audience.

This film also suffers from "here's a guy who's integral to the plot but we can't be arsed to tell you his name" with the two scientists tasked to Find Out What The Kaiju Want. There's the weird British George McFly/Sheldon Cooper fusion (turns out his name's Herman) and Screams Almost As Much As Shia LeBeouf Guy (or "Newton", as IMDB.com tells me). Then there's "supporting cast we introduced to be either ethnic stereotypes or cannon fodder", aka the Russian and Chinese Jaeger pilots. The Russians frown a lot and act aloof! The Chinese guys are REALLY good at ping-pong!

As you may have guessed, this movie disappointed me. Perhaps it was my friends on Facebook losing their shit over how much they loved what they saw. Maybe I just expect too much from director Guillermo del Toro. Maybe I like a little steak with my sizzle. Don't get me wrong, it's a Perfectly Serviceable Popcorn Flick. Reviews, both critical and from your friends, might make you think this is the Second Coming of Star Wars (the original, not the prequels) or Indiana Jones. It's not. It's fun, but Pacific Rim left me with a kind of empty feeling and wishing it could have been more.

FINAL REVIEW
Pacific Rim

3 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - Come for the special effects. Just don't expect too much more.

42

"I do not care if the guy is yellow or black, or if he has stripes like a fuckin' zebra. I'm the manager of this team, and I say he plays. What's more, I say he can make us all rich. And if any of you cannot use the money, I will see that you are all traded." - Leo Durocher, Manger of the Brooklyn Dodgers, Spring Training 1947

Starring

Chadwick Boseman as Jackie Robinson

Nicole Beharie as Rachel Robinson

Harrison Ford as Branch Rickey

Christopher Meloni as Leo Durocher

Alan Tudyk as Ben Chapman

John C. McGinley as Dr Perry Cox Red Barber

Everyone knows who Jackie Robinson is. He's the black baseball player from the Negro League who broke the sport's colour barrier in 1947. This movie is the story of that event.

Well, not really. It glosses over a lot of stuff in favour of having us watch Alan Tudyk hurl some of the most vile racial epithets I've ever heard. 

We first meet up with Jackie as his Negro League team, the Kansas City Monarchs, is travelling through Alabama on their way to another game. A representative from the Brooklyn Dodgers sends Jackie to that city in hopes that General Manager Branch Rickey (played with enthusiasm by a sometimes unrecognizable Harrison Ford) can sign him to a contract. This attempt is, of course, successful... we'd have no movie otherwise.

This is where a lot of the glossing-over begins. After Spring Training, Jackie is assigned to the minor-league Montreal Royals. We only ever see Jackie in a Royals uniform during Spring Training and NEVER in Montreal, possibly because of this quote...

"I remember Montreal and that house very well and have always had warm feeling for that great city. Before Jack and I moved to Montreal, we had just been through some very rough treatment in the racially biased South during spring training in Florida. In the end, Montreal was the perfect place for him to get his start. We never had a threatening or unpleasant experience there. The people were so welcoming and saw Jack as a player and as a man." - Rachel Robinson

It's obvious that this movie was more concerned with getting the abuse Jackie was subjected to on film rather than showing that at least one place he played didn't care about his skin colour.

I am well aware that Jackie's presence on the Dodgers' roster was not welcomed with open arms by everyone. Members of the Dodgers sign a petition saying they won't play with him when he makes the Opening Day roster in 1947 (something that has only been rumoured, and never verified), he's ejected from a Spring Training game by on-field security in Philadelphia because "niggers don't play with whites" in that town... it had to have been mind-bogglingly awful for the guy. The screenwriters insert a fully-fictional scene where Jackie breaks his bat in the tunnel from the Dodgers' dugout to the clubhouse to show that even a man like Jackie Robinson had a breaking point.

I had a few issues with other, seemingly innocent aspects of the movie. It seemed that every time Jackie tied his shoes, or looked at a baseball diamond, the background music felt the need to mimic a John Williams orchestral score. Yes, Robinson was heroic for putting up with the shit baseball made him put up with. The score lays it on a little thick, really. Then there's the aforementioned glossing-over of historical facts (like how Robinson disliked the Negro Leagues because of its disorganization and acceptance of gambling), the sloppy way some characters are introduced (some giant corn-fed lookin' fella is traded part-way through the 1947 season, and even after researching that season I still don't know what the hell his name was), and - again, this is MY problem - the use of John C. McGinley as Dodgers' radio play-by-play man Red Barber. I kept waiting for him to refer to Jackie as "Newbie" or call Ben Chapman a girl's name.

MAN do I miss Scrubs.

The above bashing and Scrubs-worshipping paragraph-and-sentence doesn't mean I didn't find good in the movie. Chadwick Boseman's Robinson is very easy to like, and he plays the man with the humility that Robinson was known for. Harrison Ford nails it as Branch Rickey, and it was easy for me to disassociate the man from Han Solo and Indiana Jones, two previous roles that Ford has become synonymous with. I am a fan of both Christopher Meloni and Alan Tudyk, but I wish they were both used more and less at the same time (Durocher was suspended during the 1947 season for "unbecoming conduct", depicted as adultery in the movie but in reality was trumped-up charges of associating with gamblers ). Tudyk dives into his role as Ben Chapman with relish, but the character is really just satisfying the movie's need for a "bad guy" as the only scenes with him depict Chapman's crazy levels of racism, him being more polite about it and justifying the racism to reporters, and then finally having his picture taken with Robinson at the behest of Phillies management. I really wish they had utilized these two actors more, but I'll take watching them for even five seconds over two hours of Kristen Stewart.


FINAL REVIEW

42
2 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - Jackie Robinson was a polarizing figure, and a true hero for being brave enough to be the one black man in professional baseball until 1948. This movie does not do him justice.

This Is The End

STARRING

Seth Rogen as Seth Rogen

Jay Baruchel as Jay Baruchel

Craig Robinson as Craig Robinson

James Franco as James Franco

Danny McBride as Danny McBride

Jonah Hill as Jonah Hill

Emma Watson as Emma Watson

Michael Cera as Michael Cera

... yes, I had fun typing all that out.

What can I say about this movie? I just got back from seeing it, and every so often a scene or a line will pop into my head and I'll start laughing uncontrollably. Does that work for you?

The movie starts out with Seth waiting for his buddy Jay at the airport. The two actors are looking forward to a weekend of pot, booze, and video games. Seth suggests they attend a party at James Franco's house, and the cameos start flying by the screen: Mindy Kaling! Jason Segel! Rihanna! Christopher Mintz-Plasse! It's almost overload. When the loner Jay decides he needs to go for a walk to get more smokes, that's when the shit hits the fan. There's a huge explosion, followed by blue lights sucking people up into the sky. Huge sinkholes appear everywhere, and everything goes crazygonuts.

The movie doesn't let up on the laughs from the word go, and when they get to Franco's house it gets even crazier. I will warn you, gentle reader, that this movie features the disgusting toilet humour you've come to expect from Seth Rogen movies. There's a yelling match between Franco and McBride that is particularly disgusting, yet completely hilarious all at once.

Watching these actors play caricatures of themselves is particularly funny, and I really hope none of them really act the way they do in the movie. The Jonah Hill in this movie, for instance, is a sycophantic asshole with somewhat disturbing feelings for Jay Baruchel. Baruchel himself is a conceited hipster jackass who thinks he's above everyone else. Danny McBride is only looking out for number one: himself, while everyone else goes at Number Fuck You. It goes on and on, but the best parody performance - and some of the biggest laughs in the theatre - had to go to Michael Cera. For once, he's not playing a "Michael Cera type" and it's shocking to see... assuming your eyes aren't shut, squeezing out tears of laughter.

I recommend this movie to everyone who wants something different from the movies this year, while feeling a little samey and familiar. If that makes sense.

FINAL REVIEW

This Is The End

3.5 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - Funny in a juvenile way, but unless you're feeling superior you'll still laugh. A few gross-out scenes. More cameos than a trilogy of Muppet movies. Check your brain at the door and enjoy yourself.

Silver Linings Playbook

STARRING

Bradley Cooper as Pat

Jennifer Lawrence as Tiffany

Robert DeNiro as Pat Senior

Jacki Weaver as Dolores

Chris Tucker as Danny

I can't really review this too in-depth as I have to get ready for my interview, but here goes.

This movie is fantastic. Everything about it works on every level, and actors I've seen before show me depth and ability I didn't know they possessed. Bradley Cooper plays Pat without any of his normal smarm and cockiness, which is refreshing. Jennifer Lawrence, who I've only seen in X-Men: First Class and The Hunger Games, plays Tiffany with a kind of strong vulnerability that proves to me she was the correct choice as Best Actress at this past year's Oscars. Robert DeNiro is a legend, and despite a few stumbles in the road (I'm looking at you, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle) he delivers as you would expect an actor of his pedigree to deliver. The biggest surprise, however, has to be Chris Tucker, who shows that he does know how to act without the shrillness and the IN YOUR FACE LOUDEST THING ON THE SCREEN EVEN LOUDER THAN THE EXPLOSIONS characters he's known for from The Fifth Element and the Rush Hour series.

If you have the means to see this movie, do it. It's a romantic comedy that's light on the mushy crap and heavy on making you believe two incredibly broken people can put each other's lives back together.


FINAL REVIEW

Silver Linings Playbook
5 snowflakes out of 5


TL; DR - The best movie I've seen so far in this little experiment. See it.

Now, off to get ready for my interview!

The Return!

Hi! Okay, so I can only do one movie today as I have an interview at 2. So here we go... randomizer website, pick something funny for me this morning!

There were 41 items in your list. Here they are in random order:

1. Silver Linings Playbook
2. Tower Heist
3. Assault Girls
4. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
5. Hitchcock

Okay, so it looks like I'm watching something that's supposed to be excellent. Good way to start the day, says I.

Radio silence

Hi! Okay, so maybe you wanna know why I've been slacking off and not posting reviews.

Gabe had Friday off, and watching some of these movies in front of him is a Bad Idea. Saturday and Sunday were full of other Family Things, including a good friend's birthday. Yesterday? Well... E3 was - and IS - going on in Los Angeles, so that had my attention for most of the day.

I'll try to get something up today... but there's an arseload of housework that needs doing. I may end up doing that instead.

The Losers

Starring

Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Clay

Zoe Saldana as Aisha

Idris Elba as Roque

Chris Evans as Jensen

Well, at least this was better than Total Recall.

The Losers tells the ludicrous story of a group of American military agents framed for a crime they didn't commit. Sound familiar? The difference between this and The A-Team is that this little gang of morons is presumed dead after a missile strike on a Bolivian drug lord goes wrong. Despite living through the ordeal, Clay never gives up on his vendetta against the mysterious voice he heard on his radio that fateful day. Knowing only the guy's name, Max, he gambles on cockfights and drinks with his buddy Roque until Zoe Saldana's character falls into his lap. Almost literally.

Why do action movies feel the need to be completely stupid? This one hits most of the tropes, with the grizzled leader, the black dude with an attitude, the silent sniper, the combative best friend/2nd in command of the unit, and the smartass. There's also a lot of other favourite songs, including "I've Been Shot But I Can Still Move", "Breaking Furniture Over My Head Doesn't Hurt" and "Asshole Gets The Girl For No Discernible Reason".

I'm all for mindless action if executed properly. This movie seems to want to insult me at every turn. It could have been so much more. It could have earned the sequel the ending sequence hints at. Instead, it bought itself a one-way ticket to the bargain bin.

FINAL REVIEW

The Losers

2 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - it's better than Total Recall.

Double feature!

Okay, I'm bored, don't wanna play Warcraft, so it's time for a double feature! Let's hope fate chooses a better movie than the last one. Ugh.

And it chose...

THE RAID: REDEMPTION

Ooh, allegedly the greatest action movie ever made. Time to dig in!

Gotta choose a different one as my copy has no subtitles!

It chose...

THE LOSERS

Here we go!

Total Recall (2012)

Starring

Colin Farrell as Doug Quaid
Jessica Biel as Melina
Kate Beckinsale as Lori
Bryan Cranston as Cohaagen
Bill Nighy as Matthias


Okay, people behind this piece of shit, up against the wall! How do you get a group of people as talented as THAT *points at the cast list* and produce this steaming pile of dreck?

I'm pretty sure most of you out there have seen the original Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nowadays it's campy and full of AWFUL special effects, but back in the day it was cutting edge, cool, and it's a freaking classic. Why Hollywood felt the need to revisit this story I'll never know.

There's no emotion in this remake, none at all. Colin Farrell is so inspired to play Quaid that he shows the emotional range of Kristen Stewart. The name of Biel's character isn't spoken until about 30 minutes after she's actually introduced. Bryan Cranston tries to bring some of the menace he developed as Walter White on Breaking Bad, but it's sadly wasted here. And Kate Beckinsale is unrecognizable without the skintight leather catsuits from the Underworld movies. I think it should be contractual that she wears one for every movie she's in. Even if that movie is Pride and Prejudice. She attempts to snarl her way through the picture, and she doesn't come across as dangerous, or evil, or anything but trying too hard.

Then there's the "story" itself. Gone are the mutants (with the exception of the triple-breasted whore who ISN'T Eccentrica Gallumbits, much to my dismay) and gone is the whole "Mars" thing. Instead, we get a post-apocalyptic Earth ruined by chemical warfare (WE'RE ORIGINAL! OTHER MOVIES USE NUCLEAR FALLOUT! ORIGINAL! ORIGINAL!) with only two settlements safe for humans: the UFB - United Federation of Britain - and The Colony, aka Australia. The schmoes who live in The Colony are seen as peasants and are forced to do the jobs too dirty for the delicate UFB-types. Every day, Colonists are loaded into a giant metal cylinder and dropped through the Earth's core (stop laughing) where gravity reverses in scenes that are always inexplicably filmed in slow motion (I said stop laughing) before gravity reasserts itself without people's faces being ripped off or other gory thing happening.

Yeah. The screenwriters thought that'd sneak by us and we'd all go HURR DURR, THAT'S POSSIBLE!

Quaid's reawakening into Hauser is pretty much the same as the original movie: he goes to Recall because he's having crazy dreams and BAM they realize he's actually a spy! WIKKID! Shit happens, people die (including another wasted appearance by a known actor, this time John Cho), shit gets blowed up real good, blah blah blah.


I'm not gonna waste more time discussing this garbage than I have to. I can't stand this movie. There was no need to make it. If Hollywood is going to remake 22-year-old movies more often, the least they could do is do these movies justice. Bad Hollywood, bad! No biscuit! Go to your crate!


FINAL REVIEW

Total Recall
1.5 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - TD;DW. Means "too dumb, don't watch".

Day Three

So I was looking over my movies and counting the number of days Gabriel has left in school. He has 15 days left, while I have 42 movies left.

I think I'm gonna have to do a double feature or two.

Wait, those numbers are wrong! There are 41 movies left with today's selection, which is...

Oh.

Oh my.

I have a very bad feeling about this.

District 9

Starring

Sharlto Copley as Wikus van de Merwe
David James as Koobus Venter
Eugene Khumbanyiwa as Obesandjo


Okay, so believe me when I say I went into this movie knowing absolutely nothing about its plot, the people who were in it or the people who made it.

So when Peter Jackson's name flashed up on the screen, I said aloud "Oh shit, this movie's gonna be three hours long."

I was wrong.

Clocking in at a respectable 107 minutes, District 9 is about an alien invasion of the rather mundane sort. In 1982, a ship enters the Earth's atmosphere over Johannesburg and... does nothing. Not a damn thing. Proving that humans are impatient, the UN decides to fly a bunch of people up in helicopters with really big can openers to see what toys the aliens have inside. What they find are a bunch of malnourished insect-like creatures they'd later call "Prawns". In a gesture that seems grand at first, the humans allow the Prawns to take over a section of Johannesburg they nickname... wait for it... District 9. The District rapidly turns into a slum and is overrun with corruption, crime, and apparently alien-on-human prostitution.

"Ew."

 

The crime in the District ends up spilling over into Johannesburg proper, and the human residents quickly get fed up with the shenanigans. They call in the authorities who decide that rather than cleaning up the District and chasing out the Nigerian crime lords, they'd rather relocate the aliens to a new District 200km outside of Johannesburg. 

The lucky sod who gets to spearhead this mission is Wikus van de Merwe, a real Michael Scott type. During the eviction, Wikus is injured and exposed to an alien fluid that we earlier see gathered by an alien named Christopher. This fluid starts doing Bad Things to Wikus, including making black fluid leak from his nose and his fingernails to fall out.

I love this image.

 

After collapsing at a party, Wikus is rushed to the hospital where it's discovered his injured arm has mutated into a Prawn's arm. Tests are done on Wikus and it's discovered he can fire alien weapons, which humans can't because they're biologically locked to the Prawns. 

The Powers That Be decide to sell Wikus' body parts to the highest bidder. Wikus, for his part, disagrees with their decision and busts out. The rest of the movie then happens.

I was not impressed with the documentary-style shooting of the movie at first. I'm currently watching both The Office and Modern Family with my wife, and that style is wearing thin with me. That feeling quickly passed as things got more and more interesting. Wikus changed from being a twit who mugs for the camera (which is where my earlier Michael Scott comparison comes from) into a man driven by a desire to survive and see his wife again. It was a believable transformation, as Wikus is hardly an action hero type. He doesn't dive in and save the day, he doesn't exhibit superhuman abilities to withstand multiple bullet wounds, he just lucks and bungles his way through and somehow doesn't get everyone around him killed.

The biggest problem I had with the movie was the accents. As this movie is set in South Africa, not everyone is a native English speaker. I found myself rewinding and re-watching a few scenes to try and catch what was being said, for fear of losing a plot point. Again, this is not a problem with the movie - kudos to director Neil Blomkamp & co. for being authentic - bur rather a problem with me.

I rather enjoyed District 9, and the inevitable sequel the movie sets itself up for is long overdue. This movie comes highly recommended.

FINAL REVIEW

 

District 9

4 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - Highly enjoyable tale with interesting leads (namely Wikus and Christopher) that is well worth your 2 hours.

We're 2 for 2 in enjoyable movies! Let's see if tomorrow can make it 3.

Second movie, same as the first?

Hallo, peoples! I'm a little behind today as sleeping am good.

We got off to a fairly successful start yesterday with "The High Cost Of Living", so let's see what the randomizer has in store for us today!

Today's winner is...

DISTRICT 9

Okay, so I'm off to go watch this movie that's about something I don't know what it's about. Should be fun! See you on the other side, kids.

The High Cost of Living

Starring

Zach Braff as Henry
Isabelle Blais as Nathalie
Patrick Labbé as Michel
Julian Lo as Johnny


The credits roll as I type this... I doubt it's the kind of movie that would have a post-credits stinger, so I should be safe.

For everything Zach Braff has done in his acting career, I have a lot of difficulty taking him as a dramatic actor. Most of you folks out there know I'm a fan of his sitcom Scrubs, so it took me a while in this movie to think of him as "Henry" instead of "JD". That being said, it's doing both him and this film a disservice to say that's Braff's fault when truly, it's mine.

I've never really been one for "angsty" entertainment, but this film had precious few chuckle-moments. Of course, the subject matter - irresponsible drug dealer hits pregnant woman with car, killing unborn child - isn't the kind of fare you'll find on The Comedy Network any time soon. I think this movie did a respectable job handling the various reactions people would have to being in this situation, from the mother who has to carry the body of her unborn child in her womb until a doctor can remove it, to the detached husband and father who can't bring himself to show emotion, to the guilt-ridden criminal who inexplicably becomes the one person his victim can turn to.

I did have a few issues with the movie. There's a subplot about one of Henry's customers and her child Lily that goes pretty much nowhere. Michel, Nathalie's workaholic husband, is a little over-the-top as the insensitive husband (my opinion may be affected by a personal inability to believe anyone could be so cold), and it seems like other characters were thrown in just to be forgotten about once their scene ends.

This movie had some great acting from Blais and Braff, and the latter did succeed in making me forget John Dorian for the last hour of the movie. I would definitely watch this movie again, and I do recommend it. I don't know about DVD or Blu-ray, but I do know it's available on Netflix and various VOD services.


FINAL REVIEW

The High Cost of Living
3 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR: Despite a few issues, I really enjoyed this movie. It's worth watching, but make sure you have a funny movie or a sunny day as a chaser.

Tune in tomorrow for the next movie from my backlog! Hopefully, it's something cheerier.

So I wanted to start the movies last night, but as Dana and I were watching her latest TV addiction - Lust Lost Girl - I started to get teh sleepiez. So we're starting this morning!

THE SEMI-PHENOMENAL, NEARLY-COSMIC POWER OF AN INTERNET RANDOMIZER HAS SPOKEN!

THE HIGH COST OF LIVING is the story of a young pregnant woman whose world falls apart when she loses her baby in a hit and run accident. It starts with an accident. Henry (Zach Braff) makes a wrong turn and crashes into Nathalie (Isabelle Blais). In a fit of panic, and over the legal limit, he cuts and runs, leaving Nathalie lying in the street, unconscious, bleeding and eight months pregnant. She wakes up in the hospital only to find her bright future destroyed and the baby she is still carrying, dead. Her husband, Michel (Patrick Labbé) is too unnerved and emotionally bereft to deal with the tragedy. As her life unravels, she stumbles across Henry - who has been searching for his victim. Unaware of what he has done, Nathalie sees him as an unlikely guardian angel, everything Michel is not - compassionate, charming and a little crazy. She finds a welcome relief in the tall, rumpled stranger that seems only too willing to offer her refuge. But Henry has his own problems. His past misdeeds are catching up, and he soon discovers that the police are steadily closing in. The inevitable collision will force both Henry and Nathalie to confront loss, labour and life, and to ultimately decide whether the cost of living is worth the price. (Synopsis courtesy the movie's official site, via rottentomatoes.com)

This movie has an RT rating of 50%, which puts it 10% below the "fresh" threshold. 56% of viewers liked it, with an average rating of 3.5/5.

Movie will commence at 10am EST 9am EST. I know you're all riveted.

Hi! Welcome to This Place. Here's where I'm gonna be posting my little movie reviews because, let's face it, Facebook status updates aren't really the place for me to put my incoherent ramblings.

I mean, more than I already do.

So, for the uninitiated, here's the list of movies I have that need to be watched.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Act Naturally
Assault Girls
Battleship
Behind the Candelabra
Daybreakers
District 9
Edge of Darkness
Hitchcock
J Edgar
Les Miserables (2012)
Let The Right One In
ParaNorman
Pitch Perfect
Professor Layton and the Eternal Diva
Rock of Ages
Savages
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
Shutter Island
Silver Linings Playbook
Snow White and the Huntsman
Superman: Unbound
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader
The Descendants
The Expendables
The Expendables 2
The High Cost of Living
The Hurt Locker
The Ides of March
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
The Last Stand
The Losers
The Lovely Bones
The Men Who Stare At Goats
The Perks of Being A Wallflower
The Raid: Redemption
The Rum Diary
The Three Musketeers
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Total Recall (2012)
Tower Heist
Up In The Air
Yakuza - Like A Dragon

I'll be drawing the first movie tomorrow morning at about 9, and watching it starting at about 10 so you can be here for all the fun. Or... well, you know, not HERE per se. We still haven't finished unpacking, and there's really nowhere for you all to sit.

Once this list is finished, maybe I'll ask you cats out there for movie suggestions. I promise I'll try to be funny in every post. And if I can't be funny, at least I'll be original.

That's a flat-out lie, that is. I am probably the polar opposite of "original".

See you tomorrow!