Science Fiction/Triple Feature

STARRING

Hugh Jackman as Logan/Wolverine
Tao Okamoto as Mariko
Hiroyuki Sanada as Yashida
Svetlana Khodchenkova as Dr Green
Rila Fukushima as Yukio


Let me start this off by saying "Yes, this movie is better than X-Men Origins: Wolverine".

Of course, a similar effect could be achieved by saying this movie is better than having a monkey throw poo at you. Origins was awful. AWFUL. Anyway!

The Wolverine reintroduces us to Logan, aka Professor Pernicious Peabody II Wolverine, as he channels his inner Encino Man in the wilds of Somewhere. Probably Canada. I can tell because there are people wearing plaid, driving trucks, and hanging out in bars. That's what we do in this country, right?

After a Series Of Events, Logan (he makes a point that he's no longer Wolverine) finds himself in Tokyo at the behest of a man named Yashida. Due to his mutant healing factor, Logan is effectively immortal. Any aging or disease is almost immediately eradicated by his immune system (which makes me wonder why he's not filthy rich and Marvel Earth isn't free of disease). During World War II, our hero was a POW in a Japanese camp just outside Nagasaki. When the Fat Man bomb is dropped on that city, Logan saves one of the Japanese guards - Yashida. Seems the old fella is dying and wants to thank his cigar-chompin' Canadian buddy for saving his skin. Oh, and he's also the founder and CEO of one of Japan's most important companies.

Yashida presents Logan with the offer of mortality, stating that his doctor has discovered a way to transfer mutant powers between people. Yashida wants the healing factor for himself, but Logan won't agree. The old man dies that night, causing Stuff To Happen (saving you from spoilers, Dear Reader). Logan ends up saving Yashida's daughter, Mariko, during a kidnapping attempt at the old man's funeral, which is where More Stuff Is Revealed.

Not my best writing, this review, but I hate spoilers. Really, I do.

I was very impressed by this movie, which is to say that my expectations weren't terribly high. The aforementioned X-Men Origins really was That Bad. The movie is rather predictable at times - I mean seriously, once you see one scene with Yashida's doctor you're gonna notice she's kinda evil - and Logan is constantly hallucinating the late Jean Grey (whom he killed to save the world at the end of another forgettable movie, X-Men: The Last Stand). I could do without the hallucinations, really. I didn't think they added much of anything other than Famke Janssen's cleavage to the story.

... wait, that was probably the point.


FINAL REVIEW
The Wolverine
3 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - Worth seeing, but don't pay extra for 3D. More of a character movie like Batman Begins was than a superhero movie, really. Also, cute Japanese girls and  DUTCH CLEAVAGE. :P

STARRING

Denzel Washington as Bobby

Mark Wahlberg as Stig

Edward James Olmos as Papi Greco

Bill Paxton as Earl

GUNS! BANG! FUNNY ONE-LINERS! EVIL ADMIRAL ADAMA! RANDOM BOOBIES! EVIL BILL PAXTON! IT'S GAME OVER, MAN!

FINAL REVIEW

2 Guns

2.5 snowflakes out of 5

TL;DR - Wait, that review was too long? I did like the movie, despite my VERY simplistic review. See it, but wait for DVD/Netflix. Perfectly Acceptable Buddy Cop Action Movie. PABCAM.

STARRING

Tara Strong as Twilight Sparkle

Andrea Libman as Pinkie Pie & Fluttershy

Cathy Weseluck as Spike

Ashleigh Ball as Rainbow Dash & Applejack

Tabitha St Germain as Rarity & Princess Luna

Rebecca Shoichet as Sunset Shimmer

Oi.

Okay, so I watched this movie after downloading it (YAR HAR FIDDLE DEE DEE) for the wife, who is a Brony. Bronies are fans of the RIDICULOUSLY popular TV show My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, and despite the first syllable, aren't always dudes.

I KNOW. IT CONFUSED THE FUCK OUT OF ME, TOO.
 

This would be the first time I have ever sat down to watch anything to do with MLP:FIM (as it's called by the cool kids), so please forgive me if I mangle names, plot points, and any semblance of macho man-ness you may have thought I possessed.

And if you thought I possessed any macho man-ness, ask me about Sailor Moon.

So the plot of Equestria Girls is this: shortly after having been crowned a princess, the newly-mutated Twilight Sparkle is having a slumber party or some shit at the castle with Princess Serenity Cadence (really? CADENCE? AH DON'T KNOW BUT AH BEEN TOLD/IF I MOCK THIS MOVIE I SLEEP IN THE COLD) and all of her friends, who are apparently called the "Mane Six".

Yup. This show has more puns in it than your average conversation between Gary, Phil, and myself. To wit:

They live in Canterlot. There's show where they go to Mane-hattan. There's a time-travelling stallion named Doctor Whooves.

Still here? You're made of sterner stuff than I.

After the pillow fights (I assume that girl ponies have the same kind of slumber parties girl humans do) the ponies go to bed. Yes, BED. PONIES. IN A BED. Twilight Sparkle bitches to her dragon friend Spike (voiced by Shampoo! Aiya!) that she can't sleep with her new mutation, a pair of wings. Wings with their own mind. My wife used the phrase "wing boner" in my presence.

Somebody shoot me.

After finally falling asleep, some other pony sneaks into TS' room, fucks off with her magic crown (which contains an Essence of the Thunder King or something) and almost makes a clean getaway except she trips over the goddamn dragon whelp WHICH IS ABOUT AS BIG AS A GOLF BALL IN A ROOM THE SIZE OF YOUR HOUSE. Seriously, who does this broad think she is, Kevin Nash?

HI PAUL!

The chase is on! All the ponies wake up SIMULTANEOUSLY (I wonder what else about them is synchronized OH GOD THE MENTAL IMAGES) and chase this Evil Pony - Sunshit Simmer, or something - throughout the POORLY GUARDED CASTLE THAT CONTAINS TWO RULING PRINCESSES AND A SMALL CADRE OF PRINCESSLINGS to a room full of portals.

No, no GLaDOS. I'm not that lucky.

Sleepy Shitter escapes through a portal, taking the Crown of Eternal Stench with her. Through the Power Of Exposition, it is explained that only Bubbles Twilight Sparkle may follow, because of Reasons that don't make sense. See, Princess Celestia (ACTUALLY HER NAME!) says that if all six of the Planeteers go through the portal, it will Cause Problems because they might have duplicates in this other world where Evil Pony Bitch went. The fact that Twilight Sparkle might have a doppelganger in the Other World is OF NO CONCERN TO YOU STOP THINKING SO MUCH.

So it's off through the portal all by herself, whee let's go on a solo adventure OH SHIT THE DRAGON POOP FOLLOWED HER. When they awaken in the Other World, Spike has transformed into a puppy (as you do) and Twilight Sparkle is now a purple teenager.

Yup.

TS ends up finding herself at Canterlot High (which accurately describes the writers, I think) and soon on the wrong side of the school's Most Popular Student (three guesses as to who THAT is, and the first person who says Quinn Fabray gets slapped). She meets up with a girl who looks and sounds suspiciously like her friend Fluttershy, and discovers that THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NAME.  Yes, the denizens of Canterlot High ARE NAMED LIKE THEY'RE ALL PONIES.

So as not to confuse the kids, I get it. Also, it's hard to come up with different names when you're on the good shit like this show's directors.

Twilight Sparkle and Shutterfly team up with the rest of the Inner Senshi to take down the Evil Pony bitch in an all-singing, all-dancing cafeteria Broadway show that justifies my earlier Glee reference. Evil Pony pulls out all the stops, including siccing her own versions of Crabbe and Goyle on our intrepid heroines. Tara Strong ends up getting her crown (more of a tiara, really) back by winning a popularity contest after showing up about a day and a half before the vote, and then they put the final kibosh on Sunset Drive-In with THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP.

This is a recurring theme in the show, I'm told.

Now, I'm pretty sure you think I hated this movie from the verbal beating I just laid on it. Far from it. These are a good portion of the riffs that came to mind as I watched this movie with my wife last night and kept to myself in the interest of brownie points and other things you probably don't want to know about. I do know the source material, and from the bits I've heard over my headset as the wife giggles her way through the three seasons of the show, it's pretty faithful to the source material.

RUN-ON SENTENCES ARE FUN, DAMMIT

 It's full of plot contrivances, Super-Powered Coincidences and authority figures who never show any authority, as well as my biggest question: if putting the crown/tiara/whatever on her head gave Shimmerpants EVIYL DEVIL POWERS, why didn't it do anything AT ALL to Twilight Sparkle? She should have just magicked her way out of it, went "LOL GG" and went home. No POWER OF FRIENDSHIP ending, that's why she didn't do it. It's like she read the script.

FINAL REVIEW

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls

I Don't Want To Sleep On The Couch Tonight snowflakes out of 5

 TL; DR - For fans only.

After many attempts to fix the line breaks in this post, I have given up. Stupid Blogger. YES SOME OF MY PARAGRAPHS ARE A SENTENCE OR A SINGLE WORD LONG STOP TRYING TO BE MY EDITOR